My ramblings on wheels

 I absolutely hate, that one week later I’m back in the trenches of missing you. I spent a year and a half losing my mind because I believed every single thing you said. That I was cruel, selfish, that I was a meaningless notch on your bed post, and gifts collecting dust of girlfriends past. Then when you stopped talking to me, I don’t remember the exact moment I was able to stop thinking about you but somehow I blinked and four years had gone by. And then you messaged me and despite a worse heartbreak then you, which I didn’t even think was a possibility. I fell for you again. I couldn’t breathe when you told me you felt something for me again. “There is no way she wants me again” not after I lost my mind, and she was so awful and we were just awful to each other……but somehow I was addicted to the dream of you again. But still you wouldn’t move forward with me, you’d fuck me. We’d fuck each other. Let’s be real, that was never our issue. I’ve always wanted those gold rings, and to...

I’ve never read The Scarlet Letter but I’m beginning to relate to it a bit too much for my liking. Five or six months ago I believed I was given a second chance with someone who I used to beg the universe to let me speak to again…..now? Well, now I shown why I am rarely ever wrong when it comes to people choosing cruelty over love. Having you’re wife choose someone else and tell you it’s you’re fault will alter even the softest person. At least it did for me. Then to have even more of that type of pain be done once you’ve shared exactly just what that did? They were right all along, I deserve so much more than petty jealousy when they are the ones who built a fake future in my wild, colorful, loving, soft heart. I learned through my own mistakes that love does not threaten.  In fact:  “  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no recor...

Writing music: Ariana Grande “We can’t be friends” There’s a new upgrade to the “free trial doll” now the new and improved doll allows you to have “temporary feelings” while you wait for you’re forever doll….that way you, as the buyer don’t have to deal with all those pesky feelings of guilt. I mean aren’t you tired of saying to you’re potential doll or “situationship doll” that her “ideas” she has about you, (even though you never ever would dare put ideas in her pretty little mind) are simply “too much” (but of course you wouldn’t dare say that either) this way you get to feel absolutely nothing, weightless. While the dolls get to hold everything you’ve ever said about actually being with them in their electronic body’s, wondering if they were in fact, “creating ideas in their head. They’ll feel confused, stupid, not worth a second thought. While you sleep peacefully, see friends, and screw whoever you please. The dolls may even experience a longing for their potential buyers convers...

 Writing music: “use me” by: “Olga Myko “They always come back” that’s the saying right? Well, recently I learned it’s not just a saying. For years I begged to be the girl they come back to, and then two of my biggest loves did…..one ripped me open so deep that I very well might never fully recover, took my marriage with her. Then just days later my first love found me, only to try to use me for the parts I have left….my heart and home are lonely, haunted. I loved them both beyond words and beyond my wildest dreams. My life is once again in flux, like everyone else’s. My father is dying, my friends are changing, the nights are colder, and I’m trying my best to just stay in the moment and heal so that if by some miracle, a kind, smart, bright soul finds me again…..and maybe, just maybe wants to finally make a life together. 

 Music: “ illicit affair” Taylor Swift Since we last spoke I turned 32, fell in love (again) got married…..and was left (again)  The 7 day free trial doll struck again. Touch me just enough to cause maximum damage….for a long time I’d dreamed of the life I’d been living for over the last year. It was beautiful, but it wasn’t real. It never really is. I bought a dress, stood in front of the mirror feeling like I was supposed to be marrying someone else, yet at the same time thrilled to be marrying the princess standing just to the left of me. While repairing a heart 3 times broken, the person I was dreaming of marrying was about to steal my fairytale right out from under me…..cut to my ex, and someone who blew the damage that Kate had caused a few years prior, completely out of the water.  Satyra was a force to be reckoned with, beautiful, but deadly. I loved her beyond what I thought possible in all honesty. She left the year before. Leaving me with a hole that was always...

 I’m the trial doll. People meet me, see how “perfect” and “amazing” I am. Take me off the toy shelf. And sign up for a trial run, without me realizing. I’ll make you laugh, cry, frustrated, turned on, feel good, heard, special. I’m the whole package during this trial run. I even come with the added benefit of preparing them for the real doll they buy. Then the cracks in the showroom doll start to show. No one wants a beat up old doll. This doll has weeks of laying in bed, struggling to shower, dark circles under the painted face, hiding the stains of tears. She has mean thoughts inside her, that people have put inside her head. But she’s “ perfect” for a trial run. She doesn’t talk back, so people can let out their anger on her, they can touch her without guilt of having to keep her. Touch her long enough, and the invisible bruises will appear on her skin. She cry’s silently, is polite, plays dumb to please the customer, people can get the girlfriend without all the stress. Once t...