May 6th…..

 

Just a stream of consciousness…….

I wish you honestly understood how much I care. I wish they all did. I care so much I’d rather die than hurt or disrupt them. Everything hurts again. Not as deep, but deep enough. I feel like I was born to love someone and then they understand how love works so that they can move on. You said you hated that I felt like a doll no one wanted, or you hated that you’re words effected me so deeply. But when I showed you that emotion you spun it to make you feel better. And I’m busy spinning out because I don’t mentally or physically understand how anyone could do that. It took me two years to “get over” you and start dating again. You knew all of this, you read all of my posts about how badly I wanted it to be you….you even said you didn’t want to hurt me like that again. Now? Now I’m dying to send you nonsensical messages, ramblings of a heartbroken girl, wishing the person who hurt her could make it better. I’m wishing I could drive to your door. I wanted a to see you again, look over at you one last time. I miss you. I hate that I know most of you’re schedule again, or wonder if you’re awake. You’re certainly not thinking about me. But it never stops the thoughts from forming. You’re birthday passed, and we met 4 years ago. Once again I don’t get to “celebrate” you’ll never understand I ache like every old fashioned novel ever written, every love song ever made….you are my Heathcliff. Every unhealthy human piece of me I hate. It claws at my skin….you were gloriously forbidden. Every thought sending angels to hell in a blaze of violence. Despite everything I miss you, I have missed you every day since our last kiss. It’s a painful ache, never changing….always longing. Times when I was sparkling in you’re eyes. I miss you. My heart and soul hurt knowing that you most certainly have put me behind you. You won’t be reading these, I won’t be speaking about you except to my best friend. I wish you understood that for me you are real. A real prayer, a real hope, a real dream, a “maybe, just maybe” you were and have never been just a person or thing to use. I’m sorry I couldn’t seem to ever make you feel respected, heard, or maybe even special? I should’ve let you go when you sent me that message telling me you didn’t feel appreciated or really understood by me. But I’m selfish when I love people. I want to keep you with all my soul. I miss you. You’ve been my favorite in a lot of different ways for 4 years now, well in a few weeks. It broke me to read that you still believe, or maybe never stopped believing my emotions are fake. That might have been what ripped me apart the first time actually. And despite absolutely everything that’s been said and done I will continue to love you.