“It wasn’t sexy, once it wasn’t forbidden”

 Music: “ illicit affair” Taylor Swift

Since we last spoke I turned 32, fell in love (again) got married…..and was left (again) 

The 7 day free trial doll struck again. Touch me just enough to cause maximum damage….for a long time I’d dreamed of the life I’d been living for over the last year. It was beautiful, but it wasn’t real. It never really is. I bought a dress, stood in front of the mirror feeling like I was supposed to be marrying someone else, yet at the same time thrilled to be marrying the princess standing just to the left of me. While repairing a heart 3 times broken, the person I was dreaming of marrying was about to steal my fairytale right out from under me…..cut to my ex, and someone who blew the damage that Kate had caused a few years prior, completely out of the water. 

Satyra was a force to be reckoned with, beautiful, but deadly. I loved her beyond what I thought possible in all honesty. She left the year before. Leaving me with a hole that was always half full, never quite enough. 

Then came Fin.

She was something interesting at first. I wasn’t over the grief caused by Satyra’s decision, I always felt awful for having that pain in the way of my love for Fin. I felt as though she should love someone who could be fully aware, and not half a person, like I felt. But over time Fin showed me she understood what it was like to loose you’re “person” so to speak. So I began to become comfortable with the pain and always feeling as though I was in two different places. And my love for Fin grew into what I knew I wanted, and thought I needed.

One month after I’d tried on my wedding dress, and healed, and finally I had begun to feel content with the life Fin and I were living….Satyra’s name came through my messages. 10:30am and just like that, everything was back. Every moment, laugh, tear, everything was suddenly gold again. 

Cut to today, I’m in bed alone where my wife once held me, and my first girlfriend I wrote all those posts about told me three weeks ago that she gets jealous hearing about my life the past five years….not much has changed. For once I want someone to embarrass themselves for me, have anxiety over my reply. Worry about my rejection. Honestly could cry for hours, over how much I’ve just wanted anyone of my exe’s to cry over how much they just wanted to see me, the way my body and soul has wanted them…..I’m never the “god, I missed her, I let her go” girl. 

Stay tuned.