Thing’s you’ll never let me say

 I absolutely hate, that one week later I’m back in the trenches of missing you. I spent a year and a half losing my mind because I believed every single thing you said. That I was cruel, selfish, that I was a meaningless notch on your bed post, and gifts collecting dust of girlfriends past. Then when you stopped talking to me, I don’t remember the exact moment I was able to stop thinking about you but somehow I blinked and four years had gone by. And then you messaged me and despite a worse heartbreak then you, which I didn’t even think was a possibility. I fell for you again. I couldn’t breathe when you told me you felt something for me again. “There is no way she wants me again” not after I lost my mind, and she was so awful and we were just awful to each other……but somehow I was addicted to the dream of you again. But still you wouldn’t move forward with me, you’d fuck me. We’d fuck each other. Let’s be real, that was never our issue. I’ve always wanted those gold rings, and to be the girl on your lock screen. I was honored to be there. And you? Well, to quote you from years ago: “now I know how you really feel about me” there’s two other people that have absolutely destroyed my soul in this world. And being threatened by you because I did exactly what you said, that absolutely has devastating implications. “don’t give up anything for me” “I’d hate for you to stop talking to people because of me” and for a time I didn’t, then when I was stupid enough to think I was getting a second chance, I stopped talking to all of them, they didn’t even stand a chance against you anyway, but you don’t believe me. So, when it was made clear that you weren’t going to follow through I began again. I was JUST talking to her! And you threaten me?! You have a fucking marriage! My dream! My marriage didn’t even get to have a first anniversary and you think you can tell me I’m playing the victim because I TALKED to a girl?! YOU BROKE MY HEART AND I FORGAVE YOU! you literally told me you have all these issues with me and yet I’m the problem! I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU YOU STUPID WOMEN! you stupid, stupid women…..I am again writing and crying over you BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! Why can’t you understand that?! I’m dying for you to read this and just understand how badly you fucked up. But you’ll never reach out, even to just talk, again. And even if you did you can’t take this back. My heart is shattered…..and I just miss you. FUCK you. I loved you so much.

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