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Healing

 Writing music: “use me” by: “Olga Myko “They always come back” that’s the saying right? Well, recently I learned it’s not just a saying. For years I begged to be the girl they come back to, and then two of my biggest loves did…..one ripped me open so deep that I very well might never fully recover, took my marriage with her. Then just days later my first love found me, only to try to use me for the parts I have left….my heart and home are lonely, haunted. I loved them both beyond words and beyond my wildest dreams. My life is once again in flux, like everyone else’s. My father is dying, my friends are changing, the nights are colder, and I’m trying my best to just stay in the moment and heal so that if by some miracle, a kind, smart, bright soul finds me again…..and maybe, just maybe wants to finally make a life together. 
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“It wasn’t sexy, once it wasn’t forbidden”

 Music: “ illicit affair” Taylor Swift Since we last spoke I turned 32, fell in love (again) got married…..and was left (again)  The 7 day free trial doll struck again. Touch me just enough to cause maximum damage….for a long time I’d dreamed of the life I’d been living for over the last year. It was beautiful, but it wasn’t real. It never really is. I bought a dress, stood in front of the mirror feeling like I was supposed to be marrying someone else, yet at the same time thrilled to be marrying the princess standing just to the left of me. While repairing a heart 3 times broken, the person I was dreaming of marrying was about to steal my fairytale right out from under me…..cut to my ex, and someone who blew the damage that Kate had caused a few years prior, completely out of the water.  Satyra was a force to be reckoned with, beautiful, but deadly. I loved her beyond what I thought possible in all honesty. She left the year before. Leaving me with a hole that was always...
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7 day free trial doll….

 I’m the trial doll. People meet me, see how “perfect” and “amazing” I am. Take me off the toy shelf. And sign up for a trial run, without me realizing. I’ll make you laugh, cry, frustrated, turned on, feel good, heard, special. I’m the whole package during this trial run. I even come with the added benefit of preparing them for the real doll they buy. Then the cracks in the showroom doll start to show. No one wants a beat up old doll. This doll has weeks of laying in bed, struggling to shower, dark circles under the painted face, hiding the stains of tears. She has mean thoughts inside her, that people have put inside her head. But she’s “ perfect” for a trial run. She doesn’t talk back, so people can let out their anger on her, they can touch her without guilt of having to keep her. Touch her long enough, and the invisible bruises will appear on her skin. She cry’s silently, is polite, plays dumb to please the customer, people can get the girlfriend without all the stress. Once t...
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Formerly "Handicapable"

 Hello to anyone and everyone finding my little space of the internet, my name is Jess. I'm a 30 something year old disabled woman with Cerebral Palsey. Chronic insomniac, book nerd, animal lover, daughter, sister, and friend. Here you will find my often late night ramblings of my life. I'm hoping to give some insight and comfort to fellow disabled, and non disabled people who may be going though similar things in life. Like, (but not limited to) queer subjects, mental health, love, and relationships, disability, and just general life experiences. I look forward to hopefully hearing from you all, and having you read my rambles. Keep reading. Jess.
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